I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
