he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
