my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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