after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
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