Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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