he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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