woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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