I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
