i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize