i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize