I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
