Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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