Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
