I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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