i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize