He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
