I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
