I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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