It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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