Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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