im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
