I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
then he tried to convert me to islam
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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