Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
too bad you live with your parents still
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
