apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
