He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
