Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
