Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
