I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
