WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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