I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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