oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
