from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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