Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
