i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just had sex bonerless
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
