If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
