bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
