Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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