Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
