Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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