The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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