if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
