My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They took my balls.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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