Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
