I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
