A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
