I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
