we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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