I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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