dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
