So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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