No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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