guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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