Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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