oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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