Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
