We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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