he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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