why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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