I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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