The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
